We had just gotten breakfast and walked to the beach on what to some could have seemed like a perfect Saturday morning.
Yet, things were far from perfect and as I was driving down the street she was doing her best to hide her tears from me in the front passenger seat with her rockstar sunglasses up, casually glancing out the window away from me.
But the truth is I knew half an hour ago she was going to start crying any second now and minutes ago that she was basically already crying so I simply tried to console her.
She was asked how I knew she was crying
And my reply was some version of,
“Most of my life I have had to learn to be best friends with the darkness. Both in myself and those closest to me.
Almost how the birds and the trees can know a storm is coming from miles away even when there is seemingly nothing around but sunshine I can sense
the same in myself and those I love. “
The reality is it’s much more hopeless and catastrophic feeling others hurricanes in my own bones. When they can barely breathe I know I’ll barely be able to breathe. When they are sad about everything, everything is sad for me.
And for all they preach about the power of love I know firsthand too that it is only so powerful. In the darkness of nights, love wins few battles even though one can hope it can still win the war and find meaning and soulmates somewhere in this thing called life.
Perhaps, this is why too many lives have quite sad endings and middles for that matter if you really think about it although each of us start quite literally with all the hope of the world.
But I can’t let myself think that way, it’s good endings only in my orbit of possibility. The alternative mindset is something way too many people can never find their way out of.
So every day I look out at the ocean or sky and try to tune into a version of heaven on earth, and some type of ultimate peace and purpose to strive towards even if it’s not here yet.
Sometimes such bliss is already here with a perfect summer night or the way the sun angelically pierces through the clouds to glow up the ocean at sunset.
Other times when I am completely lost I try to tune into the powerful purpose of being there to help people whether strangers or those I love out of their own darkness. Heavenly light does not just have to come out of the sky , but can radiate out of people too and we can save each other without often realizing it.
And In profoundly magical moments I close my eyes and all of a sudden I’m in a perfect dream world such as in a sailboat heading up the coast with my beautiful future family (and of course future cannons music is blasting through the ocean air too). And as clear as day we’re teaching our kids how to swim in the shallows off the boat and how to spot dolphins in the distance of the sea.”